When Jude and Matt Bell got engaged, they faced their first major argument: minimalist or floral dinnerware? As a money-management writer, Matt notes that these small decisions often reveal deeper differences you bring into a marriage.
After decades of disagreements, you’d think couples would have mastered the art of compromise by retirement age. Alas, that doesn’t seem to be the case for many. Studies show that more than one third of divorces today occur between people 50 and older — what’s often called “gray divorce.”
The good news, financial experts say, is that the same money decisions that strain a marriage can also strengthen it. While money may not buy a happy marriage in retirement, these financial moves can help keep partners aligned.
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1. Build a plan that you both believe in
What works best to keep couples together might not be found in a therapist’s office or in the bedroom. Rather, it sits on a printed page or screen.
“One of the biggest things that keeps couples together in retirement is having a financial plan they both understand and believe in,” says Nathan Sebesta, CFP® and founder of Access Wealth Strategies.
The confidence a plan provides is measurable. According to Fidelity’s 2026 State of Retirement Planning study, Americans with a financial plan in place are more than twice as likely as their peers (83% vs 38%) to feel confident about their retirement prospects.
Bell agrees a plan is invaluable, especially when spouses disagree about how quickly to spend down their savings, and says it’s often worth working with an adviser who can bring objectivity.
“The ideal is to create a plan where your agreed-upon lifestyle needs are met for the rest of your lives,” he says.
2. Go on a “money date”
A plan only works if couples keep talking. And talking about money, specifically, is something many couples avoid. In fact, the Fidelity Investments Couples & Money study found that 49% of couples steer clear of financial conversations to head off arguments.
Bell’s fix is what he calls “money dates.” “Get out of the house and away from all the distractions. And then talk about money,” he says. “What’s working? What isn’t working? What would you like to pursue and what will it take financially to get there? Establishing the habit of talking about money will be so good for your marriage. It’ll keep you aligned and working as a team.”
3. Talk about what money means, not just what it costs
As with the artistic design of dinnerware, what couples argue about is often deeper than the dollars.
“One of the biggest mistakes couples make in retirement is assuming they’re arguing about money when they’re actually arguing about what money represents,” says Laura Mattia, author, CFP® and financial adviser at Wealth Enhancement. “One spouse’s desire to spend may reflect a desire for experiences, freedom or making the most of healthy years ahead. The other spouse’s reluctance to spend is often rooted in a need for security and fear of becoming financially vulnerable later in life.”
The healthiest couples, Mattia says, don’t start by asking, “Can we afford it?” They start by asking, “What are we each trying to accomplish?” As she puts it: “The breakthrough happens when couples stop debating the money and start discussing the values and fears underneath it.”
4. Commit to full transparency
A potential relationship killer at any stage of marriage is financial infidelity. And many people take it seriously: a Bankrate survey found 43% of U.S. adults believe keeping financial secrets is at least as bad as physical cheating. Yet nearly half of couples admit they don’t know everything about their partner’s finances.
Sebesta advocates for complete transparency, though he points out that the financial accounts themselves matter less than the openness. “You don’t have to combine every account, but both spouses should know where everything is, how the household finances work and what happens if something happens to the other,” he says.
5. Build in financial margin and agree on how fast to spend it down
“How fast do we spend this down?” can become a major marital question in retirement. One spouse wants to enjoy the money now; the other fears outliving it. Even couples who’ve saved diligently can find themselves at odds over how to enjoy it. A Western & Southern Financial Group survey found just 43% of married Americans completely agreed on what retirement would look like.
Bell’s antidote is margin, a gap between income and essential expenses. Living primarily on one income early in his marriage created that cushion, and the same principle carries into retirement. “For anyone planning for retirement, build margin into your plan,” he says. “That means creating a plan that doesn’t require everything to go perfectly. That’ll keep stress low and flexibility high.”
But he cautions against being so conservative that couples miss out. “You don’t want to run out of money, but you also don’t want to die with so much in reserve that you missed out on some things that would have mattered to you,” he says. One approach Bell favors is “giving while you’re living,” such as helping adult children with a down payment on a home so you get to enjoy watching the impact.
Mattia frames the balancing act as a shift in perspective. “Common ground emerges when couples stop treating retirement as a purely financial transition and start treating it as a life transition,” she says.
6. Invest in purpose and in the marriage itself
Retirement can strip away a major source of identity and structure: work. One peer-reviewed study found that fully retired people reported a significantly lower sense of purpose than those still working or partially retired.
Bell calls lost purpose “a huge factor” in late-life struggles. His advice is to decide, before retiring, how you’ll continue to use your skills and passions. “Just because you’re no longer drawing a paycheck doesn’t mean you’re not needed,” he says.
The same intentionality applies to the marriage itself. “If you want to be good at marriage, do the same,” he says. “Go on a marriage retreat. Read books about marriage together.” He points to research suggesting that couples can get the most joy per dollar from spending on shared experiences.
Catherine Valega, CFP® and adviser at Green Bee Advisory, suggests couples map out those experiences deliberately. Do the ambitious travel while you have the energy, she advises, and plan and budget for how you’ll want to spend time with family as you age. “Think of retirement as a starting line, not an end line,” she says. “You could be spending 40 years in this phase of life.”
In the end, a lasting marriage is built on navigating decisions large and small, right down to the pattern on the plates. Whose turn it is to wash those plates, on the other hand, is one problem money will never solve.
