Brooke Astor Riding in Her Limousine (Photo by mark peterson/Corbis via Getty Images)
Corbis via Getty Images
In a recent article, I described how it is easy to be ageist in our youth-centric society. Ageism is defined as a “broader set of stereotypes, prejudices, and attitudes (how we think/feel) about people based on their age.” In fact, ageism can be internalized when cultural messages become embedded in how you think about yourself.
Examples of internalized thoughts include: “I can’t learn that at my age,” “younger is prettier,” and “I’m too old to do that.” These thoughts shape your identity and affect what you do, say, or wear. Ageism is the voice in your head that makes you uncomfortable when you notice changes in your body. Ageism is the voice that stops you from trying new things or continuing the hobbies you enjoy because you’re “too old” for them.
But there is a movement in the field of aging to push back on this type of thinking. In fact, research that our beliefs about aging makes a difference on how we live life. Aging doesn’t have to equate to decline. Dr. Levy, author of the book “Breaking the Age Code: How Your Believe About Aging Determine How Long & How Well You Live,” stated that “those with more positive age beliefs were significantly more likely to show improvements in both cognition and walking speed, even after accounting for factors such as age, sex, education, chronic disease, depression, and length of follow-up.”
Here are ten statements that we should stop saying (or thinking) to others and to ourselves:
1. “You’re too old for that.” (I’m too old for that.)
Marketing messages like to tell us who should wear what and at what age. You have likely seen messages on Facebook and Instagram with headings such as “What Women Over 60 Should Wear and Not Wear” or “How Men Should Look After Age 70.” These messages bait us to click on them by preying on our fears of being out of touch or ridiculous. But who is really the judge on what is too old?
For more on this point, check out the research already mentioned in this article or Ashton Applewhite’s “Old School: A Hub for Equity + Ageism Awareness.”
2. “At your age, you should slow down.” (At my age, I should slow down.)
How you move through life is based more on your health than your age. Based on physical health, my grandmother at 90 was more active than my mother-in-law at 75. Health is the real wealth. If you can move, keep moving. As they say, “motion is lotion.”
3. “You wouldn’t understand — it’s a technology issue.” (Of course, I don’t understand technology.)
I find myself defaulting to this thinking time and again. Then I am reminded of my experience with college students. My assumption was they knew so much more than me about technology. I discovered what they knew was broad, but rather shallow. I understand things at a deeper level. Now I rely on YouTube, Google, and Claude to help me learn what I need to know.
Use the tools that are available.
4. “You look great for your age.” (I look good for my age.)
What should we look like at various ages? “You look good for your age” is not necessarily the compliment we think it is. It operates on the assumption that only the young can actually look good. It doesn’t help that the aging industry overly focuses on anti-aging rather than embracing our life experience. Look at the explosion of expensive anti-aging creams, serums, and cosmetic procedures that promise to make you look younger.
5. “That’s impressive for someone your age.” (That’s impressive for someone my age.)
Similarly, we only say this or think this because we have internalized stereotypes and perceptions of what someone at a certain age can or can’t do. Those perceptions are often wrong. In fact, longevity teaches us that there are more opportunities available the longer we live. Again, health makes the difference, not age.
6. “You’re set in your ways.” (I am set in my ways.)
People can be set in their ways at any age. This is likely more of a personality trait or habit than it is based on age. Work on being open minded, flexible, and adaptable. This will serve you well in this time of accelerated change.
7. “I can’t believe you are still working.” (I can’t believe I’m still working.)
As a coach, I advise people to work as long as they want to work. Not everyone has the choice when layoffs or other realities take place, but I view work as “contribution.” Keep contributing in ways that bring you joy as long as you desire.
8. “You shouldn’t be doing that at your age.” (I don’t think that is age appropriate.)
If it’s safe and not hurting anyone, let’s not use the word “should” or tell people what they can’t do. Look for role models. Who is doing something that looks interesting to you? Be inspired, not judgmental.
9. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” (I am too old to learn.)
Develop a growth mindset. With desire, curiosity, and effort, we can learn new things. Since technology is changing how we live, it is important to continue to learn and there are so many ways to stay current: classes, workshops, webinars, YouTube, and more. Many of these resources are free. But it takes time, effort, and a growth mindset.
10. “You’re just having a senior moment.” (I am worried about not remembering.)
We are living in a time of information overload. We are drowning in information without the time to process, curate, or even delete what we don’t want to know or receive. Rather than blaming our lack of remembering to age, think of it as when your computer crashes. My printer was jammed a week ago and I remembered to first unplug it so it can reset. One of my favorite quotes is from Anne Lamott: “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”
What you say to or think about other people and yourself matters. Repeat any of the above statements often enough, and you will limit what you believe is possible, and “aging” and “declining” will become your reality.
Thankfully, our thoughts are modifiable. What we think and do are learned behaviors. We can unlearn at any age. By shifting to more positive (or at least, less negative) thoughts about aging, we can improve our outlook and our lives.
The next time you think or hear one of the above statements, challenge yourself to reframe them. For instance, the next time you think to yourself, “You look good for your age,” try removing the inferred asterisk. Just think: “You look good.”
