MORCAMBE, UNITED KINGDOM – JUNE 22: Despite inclement weather pensioners raise a happy smile as they perform the famously British dance of comedians Morcambe and Wise next to a statue of Eric Morcambe, at Morcambe Bayon June 22, 2006, in Morcambe, England. Confidence & Happiness specialist, Scientist Cliff Arnall from the University of Cardiff has identified June 23, 2006 as being the happiest day of the year. His calculations were based on outdoor activity, nature, social interaction, childhood summers, positive memories, temperature and holidays. (Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)
Getty Images
You have likely heard of FOMO—Fear Of Missing Out. It is often used to refer to being left out of a social gathering or event. Social media has been a driver of FOMO as people showcase their best selves (with the right people at the right places) on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. Jealousy and envy can creep up when we feel left out. Societal pressure in conjunction with the fear of missing out can decrease our level of happiness.
Now the fear of growing old is so common it is being called FOGO. One survey of more than 2000 Americans 18 and older revealed that 87 percent of them had at least one fear of getting older. From my own experience, some fears are real and some are not so real. For instance, when I was a college professor, I assumed all college students knew more about technology than I did. I feared not knowing how to use technology as well as they. What I discovered was that what most college students knew about technology was not very deep. I might have known less than them, but what I did know I understood at a deeper level.
Fears Of Social, Physical, Or Cognitive Loss
The hardest part of aging for me has been the loss of friends. We’ve lost several friends in their 70s to illnesses. For two couples, the wives and husbands died about a year apart. These losses disrupt social circles and events. It is hard for us to go to a particular restaurant because we always went with one of the couples. Going there reminds us that we will not see them again.
Other fears of growing old often include memory loss and physical decline. For example, many older adults develop a fear of falling. One woman I know started using a cane to prevent a fall. She was resistant and was going to wait until she fell to start using one – which of course would have defeated the purpose. She forced herself to accept that using a cane would not change anything about her—other than making it easier and safer for her to go where she wanted. Now she enjoys using a cane.
So many people fear the physical side of growing older, but fighting help or changes is counterproductive. Research indicates “patients who identify as disabled have less depression and anxiety, higher self-esteem, and a greater sense of ‘self-efficacy’”—that’s believing you can accomplish something—” than disabled people who don’t.”
I admit I have been known to walk around the house looking for my cellphone. When all along it was in my hand! It is easy to start questioning yourself about your memory and start feeling FOGO, but I honestly think that information overload can affect anyone at any age. Similar to our computers that run out of memory space or an operating system that crashes, being bombarded with news, updates, texts, etc. strains our attention and can result in the occasional forgetfulness.
Shifting To Acceptance And The Joy Of Missing Out
What about JOMO? If we shift our thinking, we can practice the Joy Of Missing Out. This is being called the “emotionally intelligent antidote to FOMO.” According to Kristen Fuller, M.D., “Instead of keeping up with the Jones’, JOMO allows us to be who we are in the present moment, which is the secret to finding happiness. When you free up that competitive and anxious space in your brain, you have so much more time, energy and emotion to conquer your true priorities.” This is true regardless of age or stage of life.
Fuller shares these additional tips for practicing JOMO:
- Be intentional with your time: Schedule things that are important to you whether it is personal or professional. Make your time your priority instead of wasting time worrying about what other individuals are doing or thinking.
- Give yourself permission to live in the present: Don’t worry about the past or get anxious about the future. Be here now.
- Disconnect to connect: Unsubscribe from social media accounts and un-follow individuals who trigger your FOMO or cause you any type of negativity. Set daily limits to how long you can spend on social media.
- Practice saying “No”: You do not always have to go to that event or be involved in that meeting. Saying no gives you an opportunity to say Yes to something that matters to you. As author Anne Lamott likes to say, “No is a complete sentence.”
- Slow down: Take time to think before you speak, embrace the quiet, use time driving in traffic or waiting in lines to sit with your thoughts. Slowing down can increase your creativity. I often use time in airports and on airplanes to quiet my mind and to think creatively.
For me, practicing JOMO has meant I rarely get upset anymore. I practice letting go of things that don’t really matter. Not taking things personally because I realize people are not thinking about me. And I’m not worried about what most people think about me anyway. At this age, I feel comfortable and confident in my own skin.
With retirement often comes more time, freedom, and flexibility. Don’t let FOMO or FOGO get you down and out. Focus on the JOMO. Enjoy having less obligations and requirements. It is a luxury to be intentional with your time and attention. Invest it wisely because we can’t get it back. As the expressions goes, “Life is not a dress rehearsal.” We have one life to live. Make it count.
“Oh the joy of missing out.
When the world begins to shout
And rush towards that shining thing;
The latest bit of mental bling–
Trying to have it, see it, do it,
You simply know you won’t go through it;
The anxious clamoring and need
This restless hungry thing to feed.
Instead, you feel the loveliness;
The pleasure of your emptiness.
You spurn the treasure on the shelf
In favor of your peaceful self;
Without regret, without a doubt.
Oh the joy of missing out”
