Caught Hiding Money? Experts Reveal How Couples Can Rebuild Trust

Having an affair isn’t the only way to wreck relationships. Another major issue among couples is being secretive about finances and spending money without consulting with each other beforehand. Secret purchases, hidden debts, and outright lies about money not only threaten bank accounts but can also destroy the foundation of trust that relationships are built on.

Financial and relationship experts recommend that the best way to address financial betrayal is through open communication. Find out what’s going on, address the issue, and then decide whether the relationship can be salvaged and the guilty party can be trusted to change their habits. We outline their advice below.

Voice Concerns Without Being Confrontational

If you believe your partner is keeping money secrets from you, you need to address it promptly. Financial advisor Derrick Kinney said that not raising the issue could wreck the relationship and crush your financial future, but also stressed the importance of how you communicate with your partner. The key, he said, is not to be confrontational. You don’t know if they are “guilty” and, if they are, treating it delicately increases the chance of your loved one fessing up and the truth coming out.

“Don’t accuse,” said Kinney. “Ask… ‘Would you help me understand something that I’m seeing here?’ ‘Am I looking at this the right way? Am I missing something?’ The key is to ask in the most neutral way possible so as not to cause negative emotions. Give the person enough opportunity to fill in the gaps and preserve their dignity as well.”

Identify What Caused the Betrayal

Once the topic has been broached, the couple needs to find a way to deal with the issue and, if forgiveness is a possibility, prevent it from happening again.

According to chartered financial planner Rick Kahler, financial infidelity is usually more about emotions, such as fear of judgment, control, abandonment, or shame, and unmet needs than it is about money itself, and these feelings need addressing, potentially with the support of a therapist.

“I encourage couples to explore the emotions behind the behavior, not just the behavior itself,” said Kahler. “What parts of each person were activated? What stories are they carrying about money? When we make space for those conversations, something powerful happens: financial infidelity becomes a doorway to deeper intimacy, rather than the end of it.”

Define Roles and Separate Accounts

Most experts agree that the best way to avoid financial infidelity is by ensuring that both partners are involved in financial decisions, are on the same page about goals and spending habits, and that each feels free to discuss finances openly.

Kinney recommended setting a monthly money date to review and discuss household finances and giving each partner a clearly defined role, such as one half of the couple handling day-to-day expenses and the other handling long-term investing.

Another strategy worth considering is having joint and separate bank accounts. “A system I’ve seen work well is what I call the ‘three-account structure’: a joint household account for shared expenses, and separate personal accounts for each partner,” said Kahler. “Couples agree on a set amount to deposit into their personal accounts regularly, no questions asked. That autonomy can reduce the temptation to hide spending or justify secret accounts. It’s not about creating separation, it’s about creating safety.”

The Bottom Line

Financial infidelity is common, serious, and, like any breach of trust, not easily overcome. It needs to be addressed, and the most effective way to do so is through open and transparent communication. With the right dialogue, the problem can be addressed before it threatens your finances or erodes your trust in each other. The couple might also be able to salvage their relationship and emerge from the experience stronger and more financially stable.