Question: My dad is a 68-year-old widower who is handsome and kind, but was just pushed into retirement. I worry he will lean on me too much during this lonelier phase of his life. My life is already hectic. What should I do?
Answer: Many people hesitate to retire because they value the social connections and friendships that come with a job, for good reason. In fact, 17% of retirees reported feeling isolated and lonely in a recent Transamerica survey.
For people who thrive in the company of their colleagues, being pushed into retirement before they feel ready can constitute a huge blow. But forced retirement can be especially hard on those who don’t have a life partner to share that next stage of life.
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If your 68-year-old father, who’s a widower, was recently pushed into retirement, you may be concerned about his well-being. You may also worry that your father will now lean on you too heavily due to feeling bored and alone.
It’s natural to have concerns about how your father’s situation will impact your own life. And that doesn’t make you selfish. But it’s important to address the situation carefully to avoid hurt feelings.
Encourage new hobbies and interests
Many people struggle to know what to do with themselves as new retirees. Courtney Morgan, licensed therapist and co-founder of TherapyList, says that in a situation like this, it’s important to support your father without taking on the role of being his primary source of connection.
“I recommend continuing to spend time with him when you can and encouraging him to explore interests and routines that don’t rely on you,” Morgan says. “Some examples could be volunteering, joining a social or fitness group, taking a class, or reconnecting with old friends. These activities can help him build structure and community.”
Help him feel useful
Retirement can be a difficult stage of life because many people feel useless and unproductive without a job. That’s why Morgan says you shouldn’t hesitate to let your father know how he can support you.
“Since he has more freedom now, he might enjoy helping you out more, such as assisting with projects around the house, spending time with your kids, or connecting in ways that feel more mutual than one-sided,” Morgan explains.
Set boundaries
You may be willing to carve out more time in your schedule to help your father adjust to retirement. But you don’t want to reach the point of feeling burdened and burned out. That’s why Karol Ward, LCSW, says it’s important to be honest with your father and set clear boundaries.
Of course, doing so may be easier said than done. Guilt, says Ward, has a way of making us agree to things that aren’t in our best interest.
But Ward insists, “One of the best strategies for setting boundaries is to combine emotional truth while saying ‘no’ or ‘not today.’ When you have to say no to someone and you feel nervous about it, use the honesty of your feelings to help you.”
For example, Ward says, you could say something like, “Dad, I love you, and it’s hard to say no to getting together. But I have too much on my plate at this time. I know you understand what that’s like”.
Or, says Ward, you could soften the blow by saying no but committing to another time to meet.
Your father may still feel disappointed at not being able to see you when he craves company. But this way, says Ward, he may at least understand why the boundary is being set.
Schedule a recurring time to connect
If your father is newly retired and also lives alone, he might need social interaction with family to look forward to. Another effective strategy, says Ward, is to set a day and time for you and your father to meet.
It can be once a week, once every other week, or once a month if that’s all you can manage. But that way, says Ward, it goes on the calendar and everyone can plan around it.
“Having a set time allows the father the security that he will have the opportunity to connect,” she insists.
Encourage your father to actively seek help and outside connections
Being pushed into retirement is far harder than choosing to stop working of your own volition. In addition to feelings of loneliness, your father may be suffering a huge identity crisis. That’s why it’s important to encourage your father to seek professional help to navigate his feelings.
“He probably has a lot of anger, grief, and confusion about why his company pushed him out, says Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, founder at Phoenix Men’s Counseling. “He will also feel powerless.”
In this situation, some people, says Fierstein, withdraw and push people away. Others become needy because they may lack self-support skills.
If you’re dealing with the latter scenario, it’s important to remind your father that he can play an active role in improving his situation, Fierstein says.
“He can seek mental health support through therapy, join a club, start dating again, or find meaningful work. But he has to be the one to put the effort into that,” Fierstein says.
Encourage him to embrace the “yes, and…” rule for retirement, which emphasizes adaptability in the face of adversity — and opportunity.
Recognize, too, says Fierstein, that having your father unload on you constantly won’t be a good thing for your mental health.
“You do not want to become his therapist,” Fierstein insists.
Morgan agrees.
“You are not responsible for your dad’s connectedness during this phase of his life,” she says. “Encouraging him to be independent and have a support system outside of you isn’t unkind or disrespectful. It’s a way to protect the healthy relationship you have right now.”
