Question: I’m 61 and want a divorce, but worry it will wreck my finances. Should we just live separately but stay married?
Answer: If it seems like more older Americans are getting divorced these days, it’s not in your head.
In 1990, only 8.7% of all U.S. divorces occurred among adults 50 and older (so-called “gray divorces”), according to data published in The Journals of Gerontology. By 2019, that percentage had ballooned to 36%.
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There are several reasons why Americans may be more inclined to divorce later in life. For some, it’s a matter of growing apart and no longer having children living at home as an anchor. For others, it may be a matter of too much togetherness during retirement.
But one thing’s for sure. A divorce at any age could be nothing short of a financial nightmare.
LegalZoom puts the average cost of a U.S. divorce at $8,000 to $11,000. But that doesn’t tell the whole story. The more assets you have, the more havoc a divorce might wreak on your finances.
If you’re 61 years old and stuck in an unhappy marriage, you may be looking for an escape. But if you don’t have a desire to remarry, you may be wondering whether it pays to just live apart from your spouse and avoid the expense and hassle that comes with making a divorce official.
There are benefits and drawbacks to moving forward with a divorce, as well as maintaining your union while living under different roofs. Let’s dive in.
The pros and cons of moving forward with a divorce
While it’s true that getting divorced can be expensive, Rachael Burns, CFP and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst at True Worth Financial Planning, says there are some benefits to going this route.
First, she explains, divorce creates a clean legal and financial break.
“Severing ties can help bring closure and peace sooner,” she says.
Burns also says that getting divorced could minimize potential complications that may arise if you split up officially after a long separation.
“Finances can be more complicated to divide the longer you’re separated,” she insists. “You may need statements going back to the date of separation to value assets, which gets more difficult the more time that passes.”
Shawna Bieda, CFP, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, and senior wealth advisor at XML Financial Group, agrees.
“Divorce, while painful and often expensive upfront, does offer clarity,” she says. “Assets are divided, responsibilities are defined, and each person can move forward with their own plan. For some, that certainty brings relief, even if the process itself is difficult.”
Of course, it’s important to recognize the downside of a late-in-life divorce. Burns points out that divorce can be expensive, particularly if significant negotiation or litigation is required to reach an agreement. The process of divorce could also become adversarial, which may strain relationships further and complicate co-parenting.
Bieda points out that getting divorced in your early 60s could also interfere with your retirement plans to some degree.
“With fewer working years ahead, there’s less room to make up for losses or unexpected expenses,” she explains. “Costs like housing, healthcare, and insurance can feel especially heavy when you’re looking toward retirement rather than your peak earning years.”
You’ll need to weigh the upside of making a clean break with the emotional and financial drawbacks.
The pros and cons of staying married but living separately
While a divorce offers an opportunity to move forward emotionally and financially, and perhaps pursue a new relationship, staying married with separate living quarters could be a reasonable solution for you and your spouse, too.
As Burns explains, some couples choose to stay married to maintain coverage through an employer-sponsored health plan. Doing so may defray the growing cost of health care.
“This is particularly valuable if the non-employee spouse doesn’t have access to a group plan and would have to pay for their own policy,” she says.
Burns also points out that staying married may align better with religious beliefs or social considerations.
Bieda says that staying married and living separately could help preserve future Social Security spousal benefits. It can also feel like a gentler step emotionally.
On the flipside, Bieda points out, “The tradeoff is that you remain financially and legally connected. You may still be affected by your spouse’s debts, tax decisions, or estate plans.”
Also, even if you’re not interested in dating right away, you may want to pursue a new romantic relationship at some point. That’s not exactly an easy thing to do if you’re still married.
Define what married but “living separately” means for you
Only a third-floor footbridge connects the houses that belonged to the married, sometimes separated artists Frida Kahlo (right) and Diego Rivera (left).
(Image credit: Apolline Guillerot-Malick/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images)
The decision to live separately while you stay married may feel like relief, but it can quickly get complicated if you don’t think through the details of your new living arrangements.
Not every separated couple has a second house next door, as Mexican artists Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera famously built to manage their marital stress. Your current home’s layout and affordability may help determine what makes sense for you and your spouse. If your separation is amicable, sharing a home may be a viable option.
Here are some questions to ask yourselves before trying to live together while separated, according to Geller Law Group and Divorce.net.
- Does our current home have a separate apartment where one of us could live? Would that feel like enough of a separation?
- How will we manage chores and other responsibilities of home ownership?
- How will we handle home expenses and a mortgage (if you have one) while separated?
- Are there any legal requirements in our state for living separately before a divorce (in case you eventually decide to divorce)?
How to move forward with a late-in-life divorce
Living separately may not be an optimal long-term solution if you’re convinced your marriage can’t be saved. If that’s the case, and you decide to divorce, Bieda says slowing down and planning carefully can make a meaningful difference.
“Get a clear picture of your finances,” she says. “Understand how Social Security, Medicare, and pensions fit into your future.”
Bieda also says it could be worth considering mediation to potentially reduce legal costs and conflict. On top of that, she recommends working with a financial adviser who understands divorce at this stage of life.
Even though divorce might be expensive, at the end of the day, Bieda says, “Money matters, but so does peace of mind. The right decision is the one that allows you to feel secure, supported, and able to move forward with confidence into the next chapter of your life.”
