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Question: We’re 70-year-old retirees. Our children want to ship our three grandkids to our lake house for the summer. I consult two days a week and need quiet; my wife finds the idea of hosting all summer exhausting. How do we respond?
Answer: As a retiree, one of the most rewarding things to do with your time may be to bond with your grandchildren. After all, they give you the best of both worlds — adoration and love without having to be in charge of the tough decisions or deal with the daily struggles of meal negotiations and bedtime.
If you and your spouse are 70-year-old retirees with a lake house, it may be a real treat for your grandchildren to visit you there often. But what if you’re being pressured by your children to take your grandkids for much of the summer so they don’t have to worry about the cost and hassle of securing childcare and activities?
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If you still work a couple of days a week as a consultant, that request could pose a problem if your job requires quiet (something kids aren’t exactly known for). But even if you weren’t working, you may (understandably) find the idea of hosting three children for the summer exhausting.
In a situation like this, it’s important to set boundaries and say no if you feel the request is too much. But it’s also crucial to do so delicately.
Don’t be afraid to set boundaries
Sometimes, grandparents get roped into doing things they don’t want to do because they’re worried that saying no will be mistaken for a lack of love and affection. But Cory Reid-Vanas, LMFT and founder at Rocky Mountain Counseling Collective, says it’s important to set boundaries in situations like this.
“Grandparents can deeply love their grandchildren and still set limits around their time and energy,” he says. “Enjoying retirement and being a loving grandparent are not mutually exclusive.”
The key, according to Reid-Vanas, is to address the request early and communicate boundaries clearly. Rather than react once plans are already assumed, initiate a calm, proactive conversation about what you realistically can and cannot do.
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Offer a compromise
You may be willing and happy to take in your grandchildren for a couple of weeks during the summer. There’s nothing wrong with offering a compromise in a situation like this, says Reid-Vanas.
“Saying no to a full summer doesn’t mean rejecting the relationship,” he explains. ‘It simply means creating an arrangement that keeps time together joyful rather than exhausting.”
Instead of an all-or-nothing approach, Reid-Vanas recommends offering alternatives such as shorter visits, hosting one grandchild at a time, or contributing toward their entertainment in another way. For example, if the request stems from a financial need on your children’s part because they can’t swing a full summer of camp, you could chip in if that fits your retirement budget.
“When families approach this as a conversation rather than a demand, it becomes much easier to find a middle ground that respects everyone’s needs,” Reid-Vanas says.
Hillary Pilotto, founder and psychotherapist at Better Balance Counseling, agrees.
“A counteroffer isn’t a rejection,” she says. “‘We’d love two weeks in July’ is a great compromise. This helps reframe the conversation from ‘we don’t want them’ to ‘here’s how we can still show up for you.”
Pilotto says one of the benefits of being retired is finally getting to prioritize your own needs. What do you want to do this summer? A situation like this gives you a prime opportunity to practice putting yourself first. But you don’t have to do that in a combative or hurtful way.
Offering up a compromise puts a positive spin on the conversation. It allows the discussion to focus on what you can do instead of what you can’t or won’t.
Consider the financial toll
Not only might hosting your grandchildren for the entire summer be a drain on your energy, but it might also be a drag on your limited resources. If you’re on a budget, having to feed and entertain three children for weeks on end could mean stretching yourself too thin, leaving yourself financially stressed in the months ahead.
If you’re willing to host your grandchildren for a portion of the summer as a compromise, have a conversation with their parents/your children about the costs involved. It’s not unreasonable to ask your children to help foot the bills for extra groceries. And if the expectation is that your grandkids will be taken to the movies, arcade, or ice cream stand regularly, those are things your own children may need to be prepared to cover.
“Not every grandparent has limitless money to spend on their grandchildren,” says Lisa S. Larsen, PsyD. “In fact, many seniors are on fixed incomes and are actually faring less well than their adult children.”
That’s why she says it’s important to have clear conversions. In addition to explaining that hosting your grandchildren for the summer is more than you can handle, don’t hesitate to explain that shouldering the financial burden of entertaining them is beyond what you can comfortably afford.
