ILLUSTRATION – 08 December 2024, Saxony, Altenberg: A man looks at a smartphone and is silhouetted. Photo: Sebastian Kahnert/dpa (Photo by Sebastian Kahnert/picture alliance via Getty Images)
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“I never thought I would be alone and lonely at age 70,” said my friend “Fred.” Several years ago, he became a widower and lives in a rural community. We talked about how loneliness is an epidemic, and isolation only makes it worse.
Fred has been struggling with depression, and he told me the episodes are getting worse. I followed the protocol advocated if you know someone who is having a mental health crisis. I asked him if he had thoughts of hurting himself. He replied, “No, but I can’t live like this. I am in a dark place.”
Fred is far from alone. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), suicide rates for older adults are rising and men are at most risk. “Between 2001 and 2021, suicide rates increased significantly for men ages 55 to 74 and women 55 to 84.” This rise in suicide rates is attributed to many challenges older adults face. Increase in loneliness and isolation. Retirement. Grief over the loss of a partner. Decrease in personal autonomy. Fred was struggling with many of these.
Vivek Murthy, the nation’s 21st surgeon general and author of “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World”. Twenty-two percent of all adults in the U. S. say they are lonely. That translates into 55 million people–and this was before COVID-19. Murthy says, feeling lonely is about the same as:
- smoking 15 cigarettes a day
- being a lifelong alcoholic
- not exercising and
- twice as harmful as obesity.
The data is not positive. Sahil Bloom’s book, “The Five Types of Wealth: A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life,” outlines the trends of how we spend our time. “Time spent with our parents, siblings, and family peaks in childhood and declines sharply after age 20.” Bloom explains how time spent with friends tends to peak during the college years then sharply declines. Time spent with children peaks in your early 30s and then drastically declines.
As we age, these trends reinforce the reasons behind the seriousness of the epidemic of loneliness.
Location, Timing, Access
Fred and I talked about how it is hard to make new friends as adults particularly in smaller communities. I told him I wrote an article for Forbes.com about how living alone or “aging in place” is not always the best option.
In contrast, another friend of mine who is also 70 recently moved to a nice apartment in a high rise and loves it. She had knee surgery in another city and told me how her former assistant is going to stop by her office weekly. Her neighbor is checking on her mail, and another neighbor took her car for a drive and a carwash. She said, “I’m so fortunate to live where I do with the supporting networks I have. I am lucky.”
Depending on your individual situation as you age, some things will be out of your control. Most people can build and sustain social support networks – but it takes time and intentional effort, which can be challenging for several reasons.
Why It Is Hard To Make Friends As Adults
In college, we have roommates and parties to facilitate socializing. Out of college, most friendships are front-end loaded. We make many of our friends through school, college, careers, church and then through our kids and their activities.
Arthur Brooks, in his book “From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life,” describes how we often discover after leaving our careers that many of our friends were deal friends rather than real friends. They were connected to us for transactions rather than for trust and support. And connection is protection—something that we need in later life.
With the average life expectancy of men around 75 and 80 for women, it is easy to give up on making new friends. Bronnie Ware, in her book “Five Regrets of the Dying”, lists as the fourth regret: “Wish I’d stayed in touch with friends.”
Make New Friends
Ayse Birsel, author of the books “Design the Life You Love and Design the Long Life You Love,” describes how “friends are made rather than found … As you are designing your life, think of a friendship factory where you can literally manufacture friends. To make friends in this factory, you need to build trust, have common interests and values, and spend time together.”
When’s the last time you made a friend? Not just someone you see at work, or someone who is an acquaintance – a real friend. Chip Conley, founder of the Modern Elder Academy, believes friendship is a practice, a muscle that adults need to be develop again. Kids can make a best friend in a day, but this is not the norm for adults.
1. Try the Friendship Formula
Shasta Nelson, author of “Friendtimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness,”created a formula where three characteristics must exist for all healthy relationships and she believes these three are nonnegotiable.
Friendship = Positivity + Consistency + Vulnerability
- Positivity means positive feelings. “Raising the emotional happiness in each other.”
- Consistency means consistent interaction. “Repetition or regularity that develops patterns, rituals, and expectations in our relationship.”
- Vulnerability means meaningful sharing. “Validating feelings and listening.” Being seen.
2. Form or Join a Club/Group
Follow your passions and interests. Join a group of like-minded people who enjoy the same activities (sailing, biking, rowing, running, cards) or form your own group. My husband created a men’s book club. Invite two friends (people who like to read and not necessarily your best friends) and ask them to invite two others and have them invite two others. Currently there are 10 men in the book club and they each value being in the group. In addition to reading books, they socialize and the group meets the friendship test: Positive vibes, they meet consistently about every other month, and they have gotten to know new people and share stories.
3. Use the Golden Retriever Technique
Golden retrievers are always happy to see you and they could care less whether you are happy to see them. They don’t worry about anything. They are just glad to see you. Using the Golden Retriever Technique means that if someone ignores you or shows little interest, don’t take it personally. Just move on and find someone else who appreciates you and seems interested in getting to know you.
4. Gather People You Don’t Know
Our society often defines a “good neighbor” as someone who doesn’t bother you. We put up privacy fences to keep our neighbors out. Many of us don’t know our neighbors well enough to borrow a cup of sugar. And that was me! My neighborhood has had a lot of turnover lately. We have new families moving in, which is nice. I give a friendly wave, but I don’t know them. Consider inviting your neighbors over and get to know them.
5. Be A Better Friend
To make a friend, be a friend. This might mean scheduling time for friends, rekindling old friendships, being willing to be vulnerable and have deeper conversations than just small talk. This can require getting out of your comfort zone or becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. Friendship is a reciprocal relationship.
Similar to all relationships, friendships take time, money, and energy to cultivate and nurture. Often resources we think we don’t have. When we understand the value friendships play in our lives, it’s an investment with great payoffs in terms of happiness and meaningfulness. The goal is to find your tribe or create your community so that you are not lonely and isolated.
I continue to counsel Fred about moving to a place where he can find his tribe and build community through new relationships and activities. I am hopeful Fred will move because I know the dangers of loneliness and isolation.
