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Prison is a place like no other. It is its own world and has rules that apply there and nowhere else. Knowing this reality was what my young reader needed to understand three years ago.
“Mr. Beaver,” wrote “Molly,” “my son ‘Ray’ just turned 18. He has been in and out of juvenile detention for years, primarily because he can’t say no and hangs around with boys who are up to no good. But he has a very high IQ and has been reading your column for years.
“Now that he is an adult, if he continues on the same path, he will wind up in prison. Could you talk with him about what the first days behind bars would be like and how to keep himself out of trouble? You might be able to wake him up. Thanks, ‘Molly.'”
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I set up a video call with this polite young man who said he “just wanted to make friends, so I went along with whatever it was.” He could not hide the “smart-aleck” side of his personality that I doubt Molly saw.
If anyone needed to know what the first days in prison would be like, it was Ray. What follows is a summary of our conversation.
Some healthy fear is beneficial
“Ray, I’ve learned from our clients who did their time, and through letters I’ve gotten from inmates across the country, that when you are sentenced to prison, which only you can prevent, a dose of fear is healthy.
“It is a place where very bad people are forced to live together,” I went on. “For the first-time inmate, who is referred to as a ‘fish,’ danger stems from a lack of understanding the unwritten social rules that control prison life.”
The eight unwritten social rules that Ray needed to know:
1. Leave your ego at home. Do not fall into the newbie trap.
Never think that you are different or better than anyone else. You are, at first, a “nobody with a number.” An attitude of superiority will make you a target. So, be as plain vanilla as possible — to other inmates and the staff.
2. Keep your head up — literally.
Eye contact in the free world is considered polite, but in prison, looking at someone for too long is seen as a challenge, as in much of the animal world.
So, while you should keep your gaze low, you don’t want to stare at the floor, which would give the impression that you’ll be an easy victim.
3. Absolutely DO NOT accept gifts.
Accepting an offer of a package of ramen noodles or a hygiene item from another inmate is never simple generosity. Nothing is free in prison.
Consider it a transaction that creates a debt similar to a high-interest loan. In a few days, your “new friend who is so nice” will return to collect, and the repayment price will not be noodles. It might be your commissary privileges or physical self-respect.
So, decline all gifts, but politely.
4. Maintain a respectful distance from staff.
One of the most ill-advised and life-threatening things you can do as a first-timer is to try to develop friendships with the correctional officers and staff.
This could get you injured or even killed if other inmates see you being overly friendly with a CO. The message you are sending is that you are a snitch.
Likewise, being disrespectful to a CO is an invitation for a host of subtle, yet nasty, annoyances. So don’t be a jerk.
5. Understand the many aspects of respect.
“Mike,” a longtime client who has been in and out of prison, described respect in the joint this way: “In the free world, I deserved no respect because of what I had become. Yet, in prison, the most despicable people demand respect. Respect is a matter of life-and-death, often meted out by people who never respected anyone on the outside.”
He described how this single concept is so powerful:
- It creates boundaries for personal space and conduct. Invading someone’s personal space, touching their possessions or sitting on their bunk is considered a sign of disrespect.
- Having manners and showing consideration for others is obligatory. Say “please,” “excuse me,” “thank you” — these simple words can prevent a fellow inmate’s anger from erupting.
- Newbies are often told to “be a man of your word.” If you lie or refuse to make good on your debts, the result is often violence.
- Stay “solid,” which means “don’t snitch on others.” And “keep your head down” by not messing with other inmates’ concerns.
6. Keep family and friends close by writing to them often.
Having the emotional support of people on the outside should not be taken for granted. Those who love you want to know that you are OK, so write to them often. Ask them to write back, and this way, at least mentally, you can escape the prison walls.
7. Read. Go to the library.
Mentally removing yourself from confinement will help prevent your own decline. Use the educational resources that are offered. Get your GED or even a college degree, as these things will enable you to establish a more normal life once you are released.
8. Remember your objective — going home.
All of our clients have stressed the importance of visualizing walking out that main gate the day of your release.
This will happen as long as you don’t create trouble for yourself while inside by causing fights, committing other crimes that add to your sentence or a host of other bad decisions that only hurt you.
Three years later …
Both Molly and Ray called our office three years later and asked for another Zoom session. I had almost forgotten them by then.
“You scared me, Mr. Beaver,” Ray told me. “I could not forget how you described life in prison. I woke up, dumped my bad friends and am just about to graduate from college and will become a physical therapist.
“I was really mad at you at first,” he went on, “but then I realized that you were trying to help me. All I can say is thanks.”
Molly said nothing. Her tears spoke volumes.
Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.
