Question: I retired at 60 two years ago with $3.1 million. My 62-year-old wife still works because she wants to. However, she resents my free time. Help!
Answer: A 2024 MassMutual survey found that 63 is the ideal age to retire, according to both retirees and pre-retirees. But if you’ve saved enough, are tired of the daily grind, and want to enjoy more free time while you’re relatively young, you may opt to retire on the early side.
If you managed to accumulate $3.1 million by age 60, it’s easy to see why you’d feel comfortable retiring from a financial standpoint. The average retirement savings balance among 60-year-olds was only $537,560 as of 2022, according to the Federal Reserve, the last year for which it has such data available. Having almost six times as much savings as the typical person your age should give you the confidence to say you’re done working for good.
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But what if you’re retired and your wife still plugs away at a job? It’s easy to see how she might grow resentful of your free time when she’s putting in the hours to continue earning a paycheck.
It’s a situation that could cause a world of conflict, so it’s important to address it before it truly wreaks havoc on your marriage.
Ask questions and validate one another’s feelings
The transition into retirement can create a lot of tension in a marriage, especially when partners are on different timelines, says Kimberly Best, Dispute Resolution Expert and Founder of Best Conflict Solutions, a mediation and conflict management firm.
Even if your wife isn’t working due to financial concerns, but rather, because she’s not ready for full-blown retirement, she may still be feeling uncomfortable with the situation.
“Her resentment likely isn’t just about your free time,” says Best. “It’s probably connected to unspoken expectations, feelings about fairness, or concerns she hasn’t fully articulated yet.”
That’s why Best says it’s important to ask the right questions.
“Start with curiosity, not defense,” she says. “Instead of explaining why you earned your retirement, ask genuine questions. ‘I’m sensing some tension around our different schedules. Can we talk about what’s really bothering you?’ Then listen without jumping to solutions or justifications.”
Best says it’s also important to try to validate one another’s feelings.
“You can be genuinely entitled to enjoy retirement, and she can feel frustrated watching you relax while she works. Both feelings are valid. Acknowledging this opens dialogue instead of creating sides,” Best explains.
Be willing to step up
After working hard to save $3.1 million, you’re certainly entitled to kick back and relax during retirement. But if your wife is still grinding away at work, she may need more support on the home front. If she isn’t asking for it, it could pay to offer it, says Craig Kain, Psychologist and Psychotherapist at Craig Kain, PhD, Psychology Services.
In situations like these, he explains, “Sometimes the resentment is caused by an unspoken desire on the part of the working spouse to have the retired spouse do more chores and be more helpful around the house. While it would certainly be better for the working spouse to express their desires more directly, if we are the one retired, asking if there is anything we can do for our spouse while they are at work is always helpful.”
Recognize that your spouse may have good intentions
Your wife’s resentment of your newfound free time might seem petty. But Kain points out that in these types of situations, what often lies beneath that resentment is fear.
“Spouses often worry that not working may cause depression in highly successful, Type A executives who have retired,” he explains. “They may often be concerned that too much free time in retirement might cause physical or cognitive decline.”
It may help for you to explain to your wife what you’re doing with your time while she’s at work, and to reassure her that your routine is one you’re enjoying. You can also share some of the activities you’ve been doing that are bringing meaning to your life. And if these conversations with your wife are making you realize you aren’t getting out as much as you should be, consider that a wake-up call.
“It’s crucial to plan how we will spend our extra time when our spouse is at work so our brains are challenged, so we get out of the house and move our bodies, and so we engage in social activities,” Kain says.
At the same time, it’s a good idea to think of ways you and your wife can maximize your time together on evenings and weekends, or whenever she’s not working. You may want to suggest activities you both enjoy, or ask her what activities she’d like you to plan.
Open communication can ease a tough transition
A lot of people struggle to adjust to retirement, whether they end their careers at the same time as their spouses or not.
As Kain says, “While most people will plan financially for retirement — and if you have $3.1 million at age 62, you clearly did — we rarely get counseled on planning for the emotional and psychological challenges of retirement, which includes how retirement will change the dynamics of our relationships.”
Ultimately, the optimal approach is to communicate openly with the person you’ve built a life with. But don’t wait, says Best.
“Unresolved conflict builds resentment, and resentment rarely stays confined to one issue. What feels like irritation about your golf game today can morph into bitterness about the entire relationship tomorrow,” she insists.
Best also says that if your conversations with your wife feel unproductive, it’s okay to seek outside help, whether from a counselor, a family mediator or a conflict coach.
“This isn’t admitting failure. It’s demonstrating commitment to your relationship,” she says.
