A friend of mine got a call at 2 a.m. His dad had wandered out of the house with a golf club and a ball retriever, confused and disoriented. They found him hours later, injured and lying in someone’s yard.
That moment changed everything.
It wasn’t just a sign that something was wrong. It was the start of a long and stressful caregiving journey, one for which the family wasn’t prepared.
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That kind of situation isn’t unusual: It’s real life for many people, including those in the sandwich generation. I’ve worked with clients who are raising kids, managing careers and trying to care for aging parents — at the same time.
It’s a full plate emotionally and financially. It often unfolds with no clear road map.
These situations never feel clean or easy. There’s no formula to follow. But through the years, I’ve seen some common patterns — and what helps.
The emotional trade-offs behind care decisions
Sometimes, families try to rotate duties between siblings or bring in outside help for a few hours a day. That can work, but it requires coordination, buy-in and a willingness to be honest about what’s sustainable.
When that doesn’t happen, resentment builds. One person carries the weight, while others weigh in from a distance.
I’ve seen it split along financial lines, too. One child pushes hard to keep Mom or Dad at home, not because it’s best, but because they’re quietly focused on preserving an inheritance. They’d never say that out loud, but their behavior tells the story.
The tension doesn’t just come from what to do. It comes from what the situation reveals.
Clarity matters more than control
Every family dynamic is different, but the ones who navigate these transitions better usually have one thing in common. They’ve had the hard conversations early.
It starts with understanding your parents’ wishes. What are they open to? What’s a hard no? You won’t always be able to give them exactly what they want, but you can go into decisions with more context and less guesswork.
The financial side of things can be even murkier. I’ve seen some parents who’ve left a clear trail — assets organized, powers of attorney in place, medical directives signed.
I’ve seen others who treat their finances like a locked box. Their kids don’t know what accounts exist, where the money is held or how much is there. That kind of uncertainty only adds stress when things escalate.
Documentation matters, but so does knowing who’s responsible for what. Without that clarity, even well-intentioned families can spiral into conflict.
Planning with the healthy spouse in mind
When we talk about long-term care planning, most people focus on the cost of care for the person who needs help. What often gets missed is the impact on the spouse who doesn’t.
If one partner needs around-the-clock support, the other might be left trying to make ends meet after years of depleting their assets.
That’s one of the main reasons long-term care insurance exists. It’s not about saving money. It’s about preserving the lifestyle for the one who’s left behind.
I’ve had plenty of client conversations that start with one partner saying, “We’ll just pay out of pocket if we need to.” That’s fine — if you can afford to.
But many families can’t absorb hundreds of thousands of dollars in care expenses without consequences.
Know the cost of stepping in
The cost doesn’t just hit your parents. It hits you, too. I’ve seen clients consider quitting their jobs to care for a parent.
That might seem like a noble step, but it can derail retirement savings, reduce Social Security benefits and create financial gaps that are hard to recover from.
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You must also be careful about stepping in financially. Helping here and there can quickly become unsustainable if there’s no structure to it. You don’t want to hurt your own retirement plans or your kids’ education in the process.
There has to be a hierarchy of priorities. Most of the time, you can’t do everything. That’s not failure — it’s just the reality of limited resources.
How care needs typically escalate
Families rarely jump straight to a nursing home. What usually happens is a progression. In the beginning, the parent stays home with minimal support.
As things change, someone might come in for a few hours a day to help with meals, appointments or household tasks.
Over time, care needs grow, and full-time help becomes necessary. At that point, the family might need to consider assisted living or memory care. In many cases, it’s not a choice — it’s the only safe option.
Each stage carries a different cost, and the changes can happen faster than expected. That’s why planning ahead matters. When you understand the likely progression, you can prepare financially and emotionally before you’re forced to act under pressure.
Waiting until something breaks usually means fewer choices, higher costs and more stress for everyone involved.
Talk while everyone’s still healthy
I’ve seen how these situations play out with clients, family and friends. Some handle it with planning and structure. Others fight the inevitable until it becomes a crisis.
I remember one case where a client’s older relative ended up in a rehab facility after a fall. Everyone thought it might be the turning point, the moment she’d finally accepted that she needed more help.
Instead, she texted her friends that she was in jail and needed to be rescued. Her daughter had no siblings on whom to lean. She was on an island, juggling care decisions with no support or backup.
That’s what happens when the situation spirals before anyone’s ready.
Conversations won’t fix everything, but they help:
- Talk while everyone is healthy
- Sort out the documents
- Understand the costs
- Be clear about your capacity
- Protect the relationships that will outlive the caregiving
You don’t get to pick the timing. But you can choose how much strain you want to absorb when that call comes.
Signature Estate & Investment Advisors, LLC (SEIA) is an SEC-registered investment adviser; however, such registration does not imply a certain level of skill or training and no inference to the contrary should be made. This material is for informational purposes only and is not intended as individual investment advice or as a recommendation of any particular security, strategy or investment product. Investment decisions should be made based on the client’s specific financial needs, objectives, goals, time horizon and risk tolerance.
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